Some people live to please their parents. I try to make my sister proud of me. And I have been planning my birthday tattoo for months now. She, my mom and my father all said they would help pitch in. But now… she’s backing out. Because she doesn’t like where I’m getting it at. I want it on my upper arm. It’s the only place I can see it being. And she thinks it’s unprofessional. But how often do you were tank tops to an office? I can hide it even under my scrubs. I am in love with this tattoo and she has the ability to make me feel like complete shit about it. I hate that she has that power, but she does. And now I don’t know if I even want to get it anymore. She’s kinda ruined it for me. Today was supposed to be a good day, and she’s took a huge shit on it.
I’m gaining weight in the worst places. Thighs..ass…..and stomach. I need to diet again and start a more intense work out regimen because this is not okay. I will not tolerate myself being anywhere about 140 pds. Ever. Thank Bog payday is soon. I can go to Henry’s and get my essentials. I just need the discipline. I have become too comfortable with the fast metabolism I was so blessed with throughout highschool. But now that I am getting older..it’s slowing down. And the threat an old acquaintance taunted me with plagues me as I look at my protruding belly, “At our reunion, you’re going to be a fat ugly bitch and we’re all going to be thin and happy.”
Fuck. That. Shit.
..work more seriously.
..time to really figure my life out.
..care of my personal issues.
..a chance at love.
As soon as you stop searching for happy, it jumps out and surprises you. Everything I do seems better now. Work is no longer the monotonous task it was for the past 6 months. I enjoy work more, I’m working harder, I’m nicer to everyone, smiling more, thinking more clearly. Party girl syndrome has officially met it’s match. I’m taking a CPR course at the end of the month to get a part time caregiving job while I’m still testing the waters of life.
There’s a few things I have deemed 100% for certain: I’m good at helping people. I make them feel better. I love to write, but not professionally. I have a good eye for detail. When I see work that needs to be done, I’ll either do it or make sure it’s covered. I love the feeling of completing a project or making someone’s day brighter.
So here’s what I could do, I could work in healthcare. Blood doesn’t freak me out. But math and science are not my strengths. I could work with special needs children. But I’ll have to complete the necessary schooling. Which shouldn’t be an issue if I continue the drive I have right now. I have the ability to do whatever I put my mind and heart into, and that’s something I haven’t admitted or allowed myself to believe for years. My life has taken a cataclysmal turn, and everyone is noticing.
It’s only uphill from here.
Loathing and disgust are wasted actions. There’s something to love about each and every person. No matter how narrow minded they may seem, they have something to contribute to this planet. We all have our own paths and our own way of traveling down them. Everyone has their own battles, too. You have no idea what’s going on in someone else’s head. So don’t assume someone has it better or worse than you do. To each individual, their own personal life can either be a heaven or hell. And it has nothing to do with the life you live. Be kind to everyone. Be patient. Be true.
it becomes more and more difficult to convince myself that I’m okay with being alone. But at the same time, I really don’t believe I can handle the commitment of being with someone. The time it takes, the whole planning and getting to know each other, I don’t want anyone to get to know me right now. I really don’t like myself at the moment. That doesn’t mean I don’t want the company though, everything else but the whole messy personal bullshit. Playing scrabble, watching movies, maybe a bit of cuddling. But no sex, I don’t want anything like that. It only makes shit complicated and I don’t even miss it. But if I did find someone to do this with me, I know I’ll fall for them. Because that’s what I do.
You know, I think I’ll just get myself a cat.
I HAVE AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW MORNING AT A CAFE DOWN THE STREET! Go me!!
I need to learn how to be alone, because that’s something I’m probably going to be quite often. Some girls envy those others they see in these long term, cute relationships in high school. But when they end, and when you realize you can’t hold one down afterwards, it’s so hard to be just by yourself. You’ve lost that friendship you’ve spent building for those years and are just you. And you don’t even know who that is or how you’re supposed to behave. Other people have these friends that are more like family, and when they were building those relationships I was building my life with some guy I thought would be there forever because he said he would. And ever since I lost that I’ve been looking for it somewhere else. I just need to get to know me, but for some reason it scares me to death. Why? Because I feel that I’m the complete opposite of who I’ve been acting like for the past year. Which, I feel, is why I can’t find the right guy or the right crowd of friends. I’m very quiet and shy. I like to read books instead of taking bong hits. I prefer to go the whole day without a sip of caffeine than chugging energy drinks to keep myself up from a night of raging. I’m not saying I haven’t had fun doing those things, but it’s not me. And I feel like I’ve been fighting myself. I can now see what they mean when they say alcoholism is hereditary. I’m so much like that man, and I hate it. I used to be like my mother, but as I’ve gotten older the more I’ve allowed myself to digress into his poor habits. It’s so hard to say no now. And that scares me. I look at my grades and I know I can do better. I’m going to go sleep on this, but I just hate that I’ve been feeling like an enemy to myself lately and I feel that no one really understands the constant battle I have inside my head. It seems to easy to make the “right” choice, but when it comes down to it I just roll over and do what everyone else is doing. Because that’s what’s “accepted” in today’s society. I don’t think I have enough time to really go in depth about this. I can reference books, reality television shows, and plenty of first person accounts to prove that we are heading towards the dystopia Bradbury and Orwell warned us about. And I’m a drone that’s fallen victim to it, but like Guy Montag..I’ve tripped on the pill bottle and I can finally see that this isn’t the world I want to be apart of.
It’s scary isn’t it? How love can go on forever. I think of Snape and Lily, and how he always loved her, until the day he died. And she married someone else, had a son with him. And he was on the sidelines, watching. I don’t want to stand on the sidelines, watching the man I love live his life. That’s too painful. He’s doing so well, though. Just like he said he would. He’s always right. And I refuse to watch him move on to someone else, because there’s one thing he is wrong about. He’s an attractive man. And someone is going to love him again someday. And I hope when it happens, he won’t block himself off to it and just let them in. Because it is so frustrating trying to break through those barriers. As for me, I’m pretty sure I’m able to fall for someone again. But, jesus christ. I’m scared shit less this time. You have no idea. Before, I was so eager to leap into love. Now, I see a possibility and I shiver. I don’t want to hurt like that again. It shook me to my core. I was so weak, but now. I feel so much stronger. Like I could do anything. Even if he were to come to my door, say everything I ever wanted to hear. I could say no and slam my door in his stupid face. But at the same time, I feel like I’m going to say no to every opportunity because of the pain he caused me. I don’t want to love someone forever. Because happiness isn’t forever, is it? Can it? I wish I knew. But till then, I’m solo. I have to work on myself, and make me the person I’ve always dreamed to be. Right now, I feel like I’m spitting in my 12 year old self’s face. Back then, I dreamed of being Barbara Walters. Being the woman who dug down to the source, who got the truth out, exposed people for who they really are. I want to have a job that’s 24/7. Something I have to work on night and day. No sleep, hardcore, journalism seems pretty hardcore. Or maybe the medical field. I just need something that feeds my need for adrenaline rushes and utilizes my chaotic sleeping pattern. I don’t want to put my life on hold anymore. And all love does, from my experience anyway, is put this huge giant rock on top of your life and makes you work your way around it. I need a love that’s fluid, one that lives with me instead of forcing me to live with it.
From this day forward I will no longer apologize for the life I have and the things that I enjoy and choose to have in it. If I want to chop all of my hair off, fine. If I like to play online games with strangers, awesome. I’m not going to cover up who I am because I think someone is going to either be offended by it or think I’m strange. If you’re not down with the strange, quirky, blunt, upfront person that I am then I have no room for you. I’m happy with who I am. :)
All I hear is noise. Just a buzz through my ears, no real words or emotions. Just noise. People lie. All the time. You can think you know someone, so well, but one little release of the truth and the whole image you had painted up inside your head of them comes tumbling down.